He’s got my whole world….

My husband and I

Last Sunday, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a ‘date’ day.  I would have preferred a ‘date’ night, but I’m still tethered to my daughter Claire after seven o’clock, so a ‘date’ day it was. My mom and stepdad graciously offered to take the kids for the entire day, leaving my husband and I to our own devices for about seven consecutive hours. Imagine that!  Seven whole hours.  It was all planned the Thursday before and my excitement was palpable for three straight days. I could barely wait to have my husband all to myself.

We planned to simply have a nice meal, see a movie and spend some quality time together. Much like the first few dates we ever went on. We are so wrapped up in parenting right now. It’s utterly consuming and the needs and wants of our children seem to come at us from all directions. And as much as I love motherhood and parenting with my husband, I also find myself looking forward to the day that we can be more of a couple again. I miss that aspect of our relationship while I’m also haunted by the knowledge that all too soon we will find ourselves missing parenting instead.

If you were to ask me, I’d say that my husband and I are a good fit. We are both realists, pragmatic. We are both strong willed, sharp tongued and unpretentious. Neither of us require our egos to be stroked or lengthy discussions about our emotions. We go through life happily focused on just that, our daily lives. But there was something about this date. Something that made me feel like I really wanted to connect with him on a deeper level.

Like so many, we see divorce all around us. And as our conversation meandered over to one of the couples we know who are in the midst of a separation, I made a decision to open up. Really open up. For this closed, rather detached child of divorce, it was significant. I said to him, “The one thing that is completely unexpected for me is how amazingly attracted I still am to you after all these years. I love parenting with you. I love being your partner in this way, but I’m also so excited for our future. For the days when we can just be ‘us’ again. The prospect of living my whole life with you makes me incredibly happy.” They were words straight from my heart and I couldn’t help but feel my eyes well up and hear my voice break while I said them.

The truth is, I really do feel so fortunate. Luckier than a million dollar lottery winner. Because when I got married I was scared. Although my parents had both remarried into stable and long lasting marriages, I had mourned the loss of their marriage for nearly my whole life. I didn’t know. There were no guarantees. Could I love him enough for a lifetime? Could he love me enough? I hoped so, with all of my heart. But I was still wary at the thought of children, of creating a family. My biggest fear in life has always been relegating a child to the same childhood I had. Not that my life was so terrible, but trust me, no one would ever choose to be a child of divorce.

Eight years and two children later, my confidence and faith in my marriage has become the foundation of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is connected to it. It’s a scary place to be and it’s even scarier to acknowledge to myself and to him. Vulnerability is hard for me and the reality is that if he wanted to, he could walk away and there would be nothing I could do about it. But I trust that he won’t. He knows that he holds my life and my happiness in his hands. I’m proud to say that I’m one hundred percent comfortable having them there.

Considering the current statistics on the marriages of grown children of divorce, by all accounts I’ve beaten the odds.  Rest assured, I’m thanking my lucky stars that I have.

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