In search of me – Day 28

by Carolyn on August 9, 2009

Regret by Rebecca White

Regret by Rebecca White

We’re in the home stretch now….

What is your biggest regret?

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Carolyn August 9, 2009 at 11:01 pm

It’s funny. Usually when I think about regrets in my life, I automatically point to my era of self destruction (from 18 – 23 years of age). The years that I walked away from my life when from all outside accounts I’m sure it appeared to be ideal. I tossed it aside and got myself another one. A much less desirable one.

But as I’ve pondered this question all day today, I have found it almost impossible to actually regret those years. I left University, shut out the people who loved me and submersed myself in a life of self degradation and substance abuse. But every decision I made, every step that I took, even during my darkest years led me to where I am now. And here is a pretty nice place if I do say so myself.

My health, a strong marriage, two beautiful children, a career I love, a nice home, financial security and a wonderfully supportive network of family and friends are mine. How can I regret when I’m surrounded by fortunes like that? Because if I hadn’t made those decisions; if I’d made *better* decisions, I might not have any of it. I’m not a ‘grass is always greener’ person and I have to say I love my life. Now. And I’m proud of the strength it took to get here.

But I do have regrets. I sealed myself off from the ones that I loved, thinking they wouldn’t want to see and afraid that they might try to stop my implosion. I decided for them and that was wrong. I hurt everyone I cared about at the time. I should have been stronger and allowed them decide from the start whether they could stomach it and remain in my life or remove themselves if they had to. But I was hardly thinking so logically then.

Even as I write this I struggle with the feeling that I did the right thing in shielding them from it. But that’s my old habits dying hard. My tendency to decide what is best even for others and go forward. I try not to do that anymore.

And I guess a good argument could be made that I wasn’t shielding at all but instead cowardly running away from those who would hold me accountable, since I wasn’t doing that for myself.

Hmm. Well, there you have it. My biggest regret: Not the decisions I made for myself. But the decisions I made for others.

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2 Tammy August 10, 2009 at 8:40 pm

Not studying enough in university. I to went slightly rebilious btwn 19-21. I think it was something I needed to do but it should have/could have been done on a smaller scale. I needed to let go and not feel or think or worry about my family and always trying to hold things together. So to many nights at the bars and not enough studying are my biggest regrets. I am hoping they remain my biggest as well. My next big descision is whether or not I am done having children. That is something I don’t want to regret b/c it is something I can’t change. I can always go back to school and do that again.

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3 Urchin August 15, 2009 at 12:58 pm

Quitting when I wasn’t believed.

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